How to turn yourself into a Japanese girl

WTF you may shout.

But I've been back in Tokyo for 2 weeks now
and have been feeling waaaaay out of place the WHOLE TIME .

BECAUSE! I TOTALLY, when I mean totally, it's not the half-ass "um toootalliiieeee,"
but FOR REAL do not look like a Japanese girl.

Why? Well, I have too much swag.... excuse me, but I just do not look like rest of them.
Obviously, Japanese female population does not consist of clones, so they are different individuals.
But they all look like a part of... I don't know... like a clan?
To me they look all the same for some reason, especially those who are around late teens to mid 30s??

THE AGE RANGE IS TOO WIDE GODDAMN IT.

Anyways.
So, after some observations, I have discovered some of the "patterns" that this clan of girls have to look like each other.
Don't get me wrong: I'm not saying that is a bad thing.
It's a mere culture shock that I am re-experiencing after returning from NYC
where "individualism" and "being different" is SO emphasized.
What? Yuri you are frigging Jap so why are you so detached from your own frigging culture?

eeehhhmm.... whatever.

Here we go with the How To:

1. Look white. I mean white, like Caucasian. The paler skin the better.
   Dye your hair, brown or light brown. If you wanna look like a wild jap girl, go with blonde. If you prefer you can have fake colored contact lenses.If you are already Caucasian? MMMMM Skip this step.If you are tan like me or have dark skin tone? EEHHHHH smear yourselves with pale make up.
   
2. Put appropriate make-up. Have loads of mascara on. Or get eye lash extension to elongate them. But eyeliner all over. Put loads of gloss. Shave off your eyebrows and pencil them with brown/light brown.
   
3. Be skinny. enough said.
   
4. Wear appropriate clothing. If you want to look sweet, wear lacy floral cutesy romantic clothes.
   If you want to look conservative, layer and layer and layer. Wear leggings under skirt. Long sleeve shirt under everything. All year around.
   If you want to look wild, wear shorts and a tshirt with Japanglish or sequins. Wear skyhigh heels.
   
5. THIS IS IMPORTANT: Walk/stand with duck feet. This is essential people!!!! Consciously put your both toes inward when walking or standing. When walking, walk with REALLY small steps. Please.
   
6. Talk with high, child-like voice. Don't forget to cover your mouth when laughing.
   
7. Take picture appropriately. Slightly look up, pout your lips, and make peace-sign with your hand and put it next to your FACE.
   
8. (Optional) Avoid talking about anything intellectual. it's not lady-like to talk about politics or economy. talk about....eehhhmmm.... your brand-new gigantic teddy bear key chain.

Am I criticizing these girls??? No, of course not. 

I am not saying they aren't intellectual or are too much of conformists either. 

I am really just listing up all these similarities that came up through my careful observations. 

Do I look like this? No, I don't. 

Do I want to look like them?? ....maybe I will give it a try. maybe.... if I'm desperate to make friends...

I am also not saying that ALL Japanese female population is like this. 

Of course some enjoy their own personal styles that are completely off this list. 

BUT anyone who has been to Japan or visited Japan would not... more like CANNOT deny that these characteristics are painfully apparent in Japanese youths. cuz IT'S TRUUUEEEEE!!!!!

So you want to look like a Japanese girl? 

Kimono, cosplay, harajuku-girl-looks aren't gonna cut it, my friend. 

You better take this list and use it as a Japanese female style bible. 

Have you gotten yourselves some “SWAGS”?

Apparently the word "SWAG" is in nowadays.

Grandma Yuri is SO slow to catch up with trends like this
and she catch up on them when they are already on their way out of "cool-ness."


Oh yeah, I'm a loser. Now just shut up and let me be.


So coming back to reality, this word SWAG has been around for a while.
Obviously, the word came from the hiphop culture, in which the word describes something/someone with style, confidence, or just some sort of coolness I GUESS. SO VAGUE.
  
But recently the word "swag" is EVERYWHERE.
LIKE EVERYWHERE.
it's almost like the word "HOT" that Paris Hilton used WAAAY BACK.
I don't really understand how people use it though.
Some blame the over usage of this particular vocabulary on Mighty Justin Bieber. Of course.

Out of curiosity, because I am bored and always looking for completely useless new information,
I looked up the meaning of "swag" on google dictionary, once again, my long time best friend.

According to Mr. Google, Swag means...


swag (noun)
1.
a. An ornamental drapery or curtain draped in a curve between two points.
b. An ornamental festoon of flowers or fruit.
c. A carving or plaster molding of such an ornament.


2. Promotional items, especially when given for free, considered as a group.
3. Slang Stolen property; loot.
4. Australian The pack or bundle containing the personal belongings of a swagman.
5. Slang Herbal tea in a plastic sandwich bag sold as marijuana to an unsuspecting customer.


intr.v. swagged, swag·ging, swags
1. Chiefly British To lurch or sway.
2. Australian To travel about with a pack or swag.


So basically, anyone using the word "swag" is referring to themselves as thief or ornament.
I have no idea whatsoever to how this word turned itself into some gangster slang…
But I guess languages are fascinating that way.

Why did I even start this pointless discussion?
Because I watched a youtube video recently by Kingsley that talks about this slang phenomenon.


 
For those who are interested. 
Here:

Let us cut the expenses of "being healthy."

You know what I realized recently??

Being healthy is extremely expensive.
Yuri, DUH...??

I'm sorry...

But really I just understood the cost of being healthy.
Aside from health care and insurance and all things political,
if you are consciously trying to be healthy, it's gonna cost ya.

For example: um...gym?
It's freaking expensive!!!
I used to go to this crappy place on 14th st and 2nd avenue and that cost me $50/month!!!
I mean, it is quite cheap for a gym but still!!!!! $50 just to be physically active and have your muscles toned.

What??? You can just run around outside??
Good point. But that's only if you live in a place with some amazing weather ALL YEAR AROUND.
Who runs around when it's like - 400 degrees outside!!?!?? only freaks. NOT ME. thank you very much.

And just fyi I hate gym. I HATE GYM. I just don't like working out i suppose.
But I just don't like the smell of it, sound of it and some creepy old men of it. jk about last one. no, not really.

So what does Yuri do when she needs to stay active?
WELL I used to live on 5th floor walk-up so I thought that would suffice my physical activeness. kind of.
Believe me, one round-trip of those stairs is quite intense.
Especially when you forget something at home and run back up and down and then run to subway station.

HOWEVER, I moved back to Tokyo where my apartment building has elevators like any other civilized places, I don't get my daily dose of work out.
NOW WHAT WOULD YURI DO??

Simple: I LOVE YOGA. really I love it.
Let's say the exercise really suits my body type.
Treadmill just doesn't cut it for me.
In fact, last summer I went to gym everyday and ran for like 40 minutes AND ate healthy
AND I FRIGGING GAINED WEIGHT.
Apparently my body absorbs food a lot more when I do cardio. Not sure. That's my theory anyway.

But YOGA, really helped me few years back.
I did yoga everyday for 2 weeks and I lost significant amount of weight
when I went to summer school for my junior year summer...I think.
I am also naturally quite flexible so yoga does not pain me much.

ANOTHER BUUUTTTTTT!!!
Yoga classes are EXPENSIVEEE!!! WTFFFF!!
One class is like $20 bucks (about 2,000 yen?) PER CLASS MINIMUM!!!
Some places charge you good $40 per class. EFF!!

So REALLY, what would Yuri do???

Well, one word. YOUTUBE.
Through youtube I found this amazing site that shows you all the full-length yoga class for free!!!
Apparently they need some donations to keep the site running...
Maybe I will donate when I'm in a much more generous mood...

But for now, THANKS YOGAYAK!!!
Wait, does everyone know about this site??
Am I like waaaaay behind all these phenomenon??

....Whatever.

For those who want to enjoy the free classes,
Go to: http://yogayak.com/

The website design is quite terrible and needs some help,
but it's good enough for me just to watch the classes..
I've been doing this for past 3 days. Let's see how long this new hobby of mine will last.
I will update you on that. Or not. Maybe. Will see. Whatever.

You know you made it in NYC when...

I have left NYC.
Yes I left. Permanently... Well... for now at least.
I will come back and visit though!!!
But I know things will not be the same from now on, now that I have moved back to Tokyo and starting my job in October...

So what's my blog going to be???

GOOD QUESTION!!!! Any guess??
......

Final Answer????





I'm abandoning this blog...

JUST KIDDING!!!!
OF COURSE NOT!
I like blogging. I like talking to my imaginary audience about my daily thoughts which are often nonsense.
But I like it! So I think I will just keep on blogging.
I will keep on focusing on my city life (it's gonna be in Tokyo)
occasionally reflecting my old days in NYC mixed with some travel and food stories.
So basically everything about my daily life?

What? Yuri, that's so boring, I don't care about your life??
HEY!

Anyways.
My experiences of three years in NYC were great. Truly amazing city.
I met great people, learned a lot, and certainly grew a lot. No, not my height. as a person.

I think I have become more patient, more independent, and more critical.
At the same time I think I learned to appreciate what life offers and all the obstacles as new challenges.
I will not trade my experiences in the city for anything else really.

Speaking of experiences, you do get a lot of culture shock when you move to a new city.
NYC IS the prime example for that matter.
 I mean...dirty subway, mean people, and over-priced food and drinks? COME ON.

But as I said before, through those negative or difficult experiences I have learned and grown so much.
And I can say with confident that I made it in NYC... ohhhh yes Jay-Z, I did it.
Why am I so confident about this?

Well well then... let me share with ya'll a little story of mine that made me conclude that I made it in the concrete jungle.

So...I believe it was in September. I was walking back from class to Union Square subway station after a long long day. I was exhausted, irritated and maybe a little bit hungry.
As a result, I probably looked quite bitchy as I walked by. But that's not that unusual.

Then it happened.
This small white woman, probably around 30 years of age came up to me as I was crossing the university place crosswalk.

She looked at my face and stopped me saying "excuse me!"
I stopped and said "yes?'

Woman: "I need to tell you this as I saw you walking...."
Me: "...ok?"
Woman: "You have so much energy...So much negative angry energy..."
Me: "(thinking to myself) ah one of those psychic tellers, you."
Woman: "You have so much negative energy in your womb... in your VAGINA."

I SWEAR TO GOD this is EXACTLY what she said to me. I SWEAR.

Now I'm thinking back, I couldn't quite figure out what she meant by that.
I could only think a few possibilities.

A. I am infertile
B. I am deprived sexually.
C. I have some kind of infection down there.
D. All of  the above.

Anyways you wonder what my reactions were??
I plain burst out laughing in her tiny little face saying "whaaattt???"

Then she just told me "that's all" and walked away.
That tiny woman made my week... no... month!
But that's when I realized that I made it in this big city...

And you can too.
If you can laugh at incidents like this, quite disturbing and offensive, you know you have conquered the big concrete jungle. I am just so grateful for all things that happened in my life (including this woman) and people that were part of it.